Purpose in a Sea of People

Or: why didn't I make a website before?

Actually, I lied: I have made a website before. Or a web page? Anyway, circa 200X I played Neopets. From what I can remember, I liked it a lot, but that might be because there was only so much content on flash game sites and replaying Final Fantasy VII for the millionth time gets boring. I played the flash/shockwave games and explored the worlds, and loved the depth I thought it had but secretly wished a deep RPG existed somewhere on the internet. I never found that, but I did discover I think they were called Neopages? I might be making that up, but you could make a little html page and put whatever (Neopet related) things you wanted on it. Most people made shrines to their pets, some people made resources, ie for the stock market or daily events. I thought about it. I learned some html, I copied a lot of stuff (wait that’s how I made this site!) and then... never finished it. I figured out how to make it and then thought “what’s the point?”. I had seen dozens of identical blue gelerts only with different names and I had no insight or resources to share that hadn’t already been documented. So I decided there was no value in writing a paragraph about my pet (it didn’t even have a special paintbrush color), just as countless other users had and eventually didn’t think about web design again.

I had nothing to say or share that was unique or new, so I thought my page would be worthless. I still kept looking at other people’s pages. I read all their about pages with fascination and yet never noticed why I did this, or that they were all different. They could be very similar, but never exactly the same. All the pages began at neopets and then grew into unique creatures: everyone had a font they liked, or arranged the items on their page just so. I saw value in that, but never realized the contradiction I’d created. Just by making a web page, I would be making something new. What all these people were making was an interpretation unique to them. Even if they were all about neopets, every micro descision had sprung forth from a unique brain. They shared many cultural references and experiences, but these collections were never exactly the same. That was what fascinated me. Variations upon variations. Tell 100 people to draw a cat and you will get 100 interpretations by 100 variations of brains. You might get 70 stick figures, but that was fine. It was never skill or beauty that had me glued to these pages.

I regret not joining that variation soup at the time, but most of all I regret not realizing what value I felt but couldn’t recognise or articulate. I regret that I did not realize I was bringing the same thing as everyone else and that was wonderful. My cat picture would have been the same and as different as all the rest. And if I was another person, looking at my page, I would have loved it.

As you may have guessed, I have grown wiser. My website exists and I've made lots of games. Interpretation is still the king of all values for me. For example, I was trying to explain what I was looking forward to in the latest The Locked Tomb book and was saying I hoped it would be "interesting". I know now what I was trying to say: I want to see what comes out of this author's mind. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It's not even that I'm all that interested in the actual person. I just want to see what this collection of existence will come together as on the page. (Needless to say, though I have mixed feelings about Nona the Ninth, my expectations were satisfied)

I still don't believe my creations have much worth. Which is not to say I'm not proud of them, rather I don't think not making the next big thing should hold me back from creating and sharing. I don't think I'm good at writing, but I wanted to do it anyway because I think about a lot of things and writing them down helps me get them in order and remember them. And you know, if I find this interesting, I bet other people might, too. I'd like to read this, after all. So, I'll keep creating and sharing it, because I'm the only one who can do what I do. Just the same as everyone else.