I Don't Like Making Music

Or: how I figured out my gender, sexuality, and love of sound design by using the exact same process.

When I make games, I try to do as much of it by myself as possible. The concept of a "solo dev" is a myth, though nonetheless it is a challenge I smash my head against with every new project. I hesitate to say I enjoy it, but being able to say I did all the art, design, music, etc for a game is very satisfying.

There's only one problem: I hate making music. Except… sometimes I don't? I made a track a while ago for my game Tertianoumenon and it was fun sourcing sounds and sticking it together. I was very happy with the result. Yet when I boot up a music program, I end up dissatisfied and bored. It's a chore and, even if I end up with something I can use, it's not a happy experience.

So, what the heck is happening? Turns out, I like sound design. I like sounds in general. And just because I was using a sound that contained a melody, I assumed I was making music. While I did end up with something recognisable as a music track in the end, I didn't touch a single note. I did it all by mushing and manipulating sounds in Audacity. But how is that different? Let's look at it this way: I hadn't composed a track, I had made a sound collage! I didn't recognise it as a soundscape, because it wasn't one, neither was it a piece of music. It was something distinctly different, yet recognisable as having elements of both.

My conclusion is that I like making sound collages. Not music, or soundscapes. And that is what fits me.

Same with gender and sexuality. Despite the fact that neither are a big part of my life, they are very pervasive topics. It's one of those pesky things about the human condition, having a body, being perceived and other fun social stuff.

I have a habit of putting things in boxes. I like when I can think hard about something, come to an understanding about it, and then stick it in the correct box. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. However it's a terrible mindset when you're presented with something vague or that fits in more than one box, or in half a box plus one other completely different box. I think I'm getting caught up in metaphors…

Basically, what I thought was two boxes, and a choice of two boxes or both boxes, weren't the only choices at all. I kept trying to stuff myself into these boxes and couldn't fit, so there must be something else. It turns out that my box was bits of the other boxes stuck together until it was the right shape. A box collage, one might say.

Am I in the right box now? I'm not totally sure. I can tell you what I am and what I am not, but there's no short and simple label for it. I wish there was (I've tried all but the most obscure, which presents its own problems with functionality), but squeezing myself into a box I don't fit is much worse than being imprecise. So nowadays I take great relief in being vague. Queer is an accurate label, but not a useful one beyond saying I've got a weird gender and I'm not straight. I've figured out a configuration of attributes that describe me and for now that's functional enough.

Also now I can make bgm for my games without losing the will to live. Slight exaggeration.